So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I need to calm my uterus...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
