I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
