it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
