Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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