Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
