i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
