You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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