New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
