I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
