Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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