I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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