Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
