omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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