I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
