The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
