I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
