You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
