After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
