I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
