we're chasing vodka with high fives
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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