Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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