Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
he laminated a picture of his dick.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
