What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
