whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
