your parents love me but you hate me
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
