apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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