I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I am mentally ready for anal.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
