So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize