Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
