Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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