My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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