***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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