I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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