when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
