My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
