Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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