also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
