I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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