So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
