Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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