she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
