I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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