I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
