If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wish you could order shots online.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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