Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
