please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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