I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
