Apparently you make a good broom.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
