My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
