Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
