You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
