I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
