she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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